(On reading Surat Yasin)Democracy teaches us to respect other peoples’ opinions.The Quran,and Holy books in general,teach us to respect the Truth! What a difference! Most peoples’ opinions are just socially conditioned reflexes.(You see that clearly in travelling.Most people just espouse the socially approved discourse of their milieu.And how different that can be from one place to the next!)That is why we need serious guidance,not politically correct platitudes.
The Fabulous Fours!
The number four comes up often in mystical teachings. There are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, The Four Questions at the Passover Seder and The Four Angels that carry the Arsh of Allah.
In this article we are concerned about three sets of fours from more modern teachings;
1) The Four Agreements of the Toltec teachings disseminated by Don Miguel Ruiz.A) Be impeccable with your words( similar to the Buddhist principle of Right Speech) B)Don’t take anything personally( probably the most difficult to follow if not impossible at times) C) Don’t make assumptions. (Actually do-able if you catch yourself quickly and are prepared to be wrong)and D) Always do your best( which most people would claim they are already doing but may not be the case lol)
Nevertheless many people have claimed that they have gotten traction with these principles and it has been beneficial.
The Four Procedures of Non-Violent Communication authored by Marshall Rosenberg
A) Observe(Without judgment- which Rosenberg considers violent) and share your observations
B) Be aware and share your feelings– as distinct from your objective observations
C) Identify your real needs in the situation
D) Make your requests in terms of these needs.
Again many people including a group of young farmers I know who have succeeded in resolving conflicts for thirteen years! with this methodology, have claimed benefit from this approach.
But the real four principles I wanted to elucidate here come from a Ted Talk given by a former Baptist Christian who was no longer able to follow the narrow-minded teachings she had received and instead embarked upon some intense twitter conversations to get clarity! Intriguing!
The four principles here are about conversing with people who have opposing views to your own.I think they are awesome and intend to try to practice them- on an experimental basis of course lol!
A) Don’t assume ill intent on the part of the other person(“He’s only saying that because he’s a narcissist or she’s only saying that because she’s vain or stubborn”) So also don’t assume the cause is psychopathology of one sort or another-like paranoia or personality disorder,for example.
B) Ask questions.No matter how right you feel you are, try to understand the others point of view.You may or may not be surprised.
C) Stay calm. That’s a tough but importantone, for me. When I feel unheard I get upset(Won’t go into the psycho -dynamics of that one for the meantime lol)
D) Make your argument Alternatively make your case. This is perhaps the most surprising but nevertheless very important. Don’t be a ‘wus’ and agree to everything.No room for bleeding-heart liberals here! But don’t be a bully either. Personally, I get impatient when what I am saying seems so obvious to me. But I have to learn to slowly but surely develop the argument rather than state the conclusion and get upset when it is not understood.
There is a lot of work for all of us here. And I am looking forward to it. I hope it is useful for you as well! Salaams, Ibrahim
Addendum:( The Fourth Four)
I have recently come across another protocol for dealing with difficult people. This one comes from a book entitled “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”.(Lindsay Gibson) It is about dealing with the enmeshment in families where parents are unempathic and disrespect their childrens’ boundaries. Some of my clients in counselling have already benefitted greatly from this approach.
As well, despite the title, this approach can also be used as a general protocol for difficult relationships-with partners, workplace colleagues, siblings and even children-all of whom can be just as emotionally immature as parents! These are the steps in this protocol. As you can see there is considerable overlap with the previous models but there are some distinctive features as well. So have a look:
- Become Observational( The same first principle as the Non-Violent Communication of Rosenberg.)This involves staying emotionally detached. Name and accept your own emotional reaction inwardly and coach yourself to detach.The author makes the perceptive point that in order to do this you have to above all avoid the “healing fantasy” whereby somehow your words are going to change the others behaviour or even more delusionally will change their character and way of being! Good Luck lol
- Express and Let go i.e. don’t become a nag or a brow-beating harasser. Make your point as in the lady Baptist’s idea “Make your case” and then drop it. I learnt this a long time ago from my psychoanalytic teacher. “Don’t worry about the initial reaction to your interpretation” he told us. “Watch the subsequent behaviour”.Many people will go into defensive denial when being confronted but the truth of what is being said will keep working on them.So be observational ,again, in the follow-up period.
- Focus on achievable goals rather than relationship enhancement. An achievable goal may just be not getting into a fight or limiting the length of the rant, or being clear that certain behaviours will not be tolerated.
- Manage the Interaction: That may involve limiting the duration of the interaction or the topics that can be addressed. The author has another interesting insight here .”Emotionally Immature people cannot deal with another persons persistence”! So you have to be prepared to stand your ground- without becoming aggressive, angry or abusive. We definitely have our work cut out for us here lol!
Democracy, equality- humbug
- My relationships with spiritual teachers: the learnings from them to me were like floods!(“Mercy Oceans “ Sheikh Nazim called them) The learnings from me to them were like trickles of water. Democracy, equality- humbug. What a low bar for Truth. Let’s get real!
Refining the Daily Routine-Morning protocol
I have had the following dilemma for some time.I wake up in the morning really hungry(trying to do at least a 12-hour fast at night) and want to eat breakfast.But eating seems like not the best way to start the day.I would prefer to start with Chi Qong but I am too hungry.If I eat, then I feel slowed down by the calories.Conundrum.
Well, the answer came from a physician assistant I met in Miami.She is on a ketogenic diet and starts the morning with….butter coffee (also known as bullet-proof coffee).She claims she can go til lunch with this and thus she remains in ketosis( whether that is good for you or not is another subject!).So here is the recipe-https://www.tasteaholics.com/recipes/drinks/how-to-make-butter-coffee/
Basically it’s strong coffee blended with butter and coconut oil.I am anxious to give it a shot.Whether you can do this with tea or not is another question.Being a coffee addict myself,I don’t need to ask the question,myself.
So to resume:You get up hungry,you make your butter coffee,do your ChiQong or other exercise routine and then have breakfast.Tell me how it goes!.
The Connection!
(From a recent Facebook conversation)I’m on a roll here lol so let me complete my thought.In Islamic /Sufi terms we have the four enemies(hawa-desire,dunniya-worldliness,nafs-ego and shaytan-the devil).Each of these enemies uses thought as the vehicle for its negative inflence!Think about it.Is that not how it works?!This has always been true.But in modern times we have systematized this distortion through putting too much attention on planning,theorizing,algorithms(as they do in medicine and I.T.),procedures,etc..So essentially we have created a theology/religion based on Conceptual Thought .Some call this religion”Science”. Others call it “Coherency” or “Rationality” or even”Due Process” but, regardless of the name we give it, this leads us further and further away from Truth. Philosophically this is referred to as The Map vs. Territory problem.We have given way to much importance to the map and in the pursuit of this “control” we have lost the territory.God help us.
Trinidadian Agriculture and The Mystical Path
Trinidadian Agriculture and the Mystical Path
As I go visiting farms in Trinidad and speak to the farmers and even the academics at the University Agriculture Department , one thing strikes me-the emphasis they put on composting. The first academic agronomist I spoke to was specialized in the field. At the Green Market I visited on Saturday, there was a vendor just selling compost. And at Louis Bertrand’s farm there was a huge infrastructure for composting, the likes I have not seen at our organic farms in Quebec with the possible exception of the famous Serbian farmer Dag who convinced the city of St. Lazare to dump all the leaves from its autumn clean-up on his farm. Eventually, they closed down his farm , however, saying it was an eye-sore!
At first, I thought this emphasis on composting somewhat peculiar but, on further reflection, I realized it was a stroke of genius. To quote an iconic statement from my own spiritual process: ”Composting man ,that’s where it’s at” lol Why is that so important?! Because the soil and its nutrients are the basis of the whole process. For example, you may have noticed that generally organic tomatoes have almost no taste. That puzzled me for a while until I realized that ”organic” only refers to what isn’t in the product-no pesticides, no chemical fertilizers no GMOs. It doesn’t say anything about what is in the product-i.e. nutrients. So if you have a farm in Mexico, for example , that keeps using the same depleted soil over and over again without replenishing it, you may have an “organic” product but you won’t necessarily have a healthy one!
Those of you who know me by now may well have an idea of where I am headed here. I see all of what exists in this concrete world as a metaphor for what exists in the invisible world and the after-life. This resembles the concept of “concomitants” developed by the Swedish Mystic Emmanuel Swedenborg. Everything in this universe has an equivalent in the subtle world.
So what is composting?! Composting is the ground of our existence-the soil we plant ourselves in. And it is VERY important to have good spiritual soil or our spiritual being and its process will not thrive!
So what are the ingredients necessary for a fertile spiritual soil?” you may well ask. The Buddhist model of the eight-fold path could be a useful start as it defines the way to enhance our process of Enlightenment. The eight-fold path involves: Right Mindfulness, Right Vocation, Right Effort, Right Vie, Right Action, Right Speech, Right Concentration and Right Intention. The terms speak for themselves but if the reader would like to explore each of these concepts more in depth there are numerous sources available on the internet and in published books .It is not my intention to write a summary of Buddhist methodology in this text.
What I would rather do is focus in on a few dimensions of the “soil” that I have observed in my own practice and the practice of those around me that are relevant to the spiritual path. Obviously good behaviour, good speech and good intention and serious effort are all important. Those are challenges we face on a daily basis.
What concerns me more, at this point, however, are the items which involve more long-term decision-making -specifically “right vocation” and “right company”( not an item in the Buddhist model although the Buddhists try to cover that area by developing monasteries, something we are discouraged from doing in Islam and Sufism.)As to right vocation, this become particularly problematic in modern times. As the MBAs(“the suits” lol) take over ,they try to push all work-related tasks into more and more “efficiency”!(?Profit-making) and as they do that they create more and more stress at the workplace. Doing the jobs of two or three people, working long overtime hours, having constantly to document everything we are doing and defend our actions, may lead to more “efficacy” in terms of labour costs. It also leads to nervous breakdowns and depression! I have personally seen many, many patients in my psychiatric practice suffering from this push to efficacy. Often, it pushes people to stress and burn-out. It can go as far as pushing people to suicide!
As spiritual seekers, it is our duty to be very conscious of this process and resist it. Otherwise, our work will completely drain us and devitalize our souls, so that we are incapable of advancing spiritually .Dealing with this phenomenon may involve changing jobs, starting our own businesses(although that can be very stressful as well) or taking a job that pays less or is less prestigious in order to leave time and energy for other pursuits.
In my travels I have run into two contrasting models of time-management around work. In Syria (before the terrible Civil War) there were still places that followed the traditional timetable. In that schedule, people went to work after the morning-prayer and finished at the time of the noon-day prayer. That still gave them a work-day of seven hours. Then the entire after-noon and evening was available for family life, studies, dhikr, or whatever else interested them. That is an example of balance from my point of view.
The opposite extreme is the” Manhattan model”-you work every day of the week including most evenings and then crash out exhausted on the weekend. Then you restart the cycle on Monday morning. That is not to mention the possibility of weekend meetings, deadline overtimes, and all-nighters .In some of the high-tech industries, people are expected to sleep overnight at work and rest as little as possible to meet deadlines. Is that normal in anyone’s mind?!
As to the question of right company, that, too, can be a complex issue. Obviously, we are highly influenced by the social milieu that surrounds us- no matter how resilient we believe ourselves to be. Spiritual teachers since time immemorial have been urging their disciples to keep good company. This is because we not only pick up the behaviours and ideas from the people around us, we also pick up their states of being which determine those thoughts and behaviours. So beware! This is no light matter.
Now the situation can get complicated, as human beings have multiple dimensions of existence. Someone, for example, might share your value systems but be very boring to be around. Someone may be in a very high spiritual state but it can disrupt your emotional and worldly functions. I have been in tariqats with very pious good people where I had nothing to say to them and I found their discourse predictable and uninteresting. Despite the teachers suggesting we practice “suhba”-spiritual company with brothers from the group, it can get tedious and trying. At that point I might prefer to listen to a stimulating lecture on “Ideas” the CBC nightly intellectual talk -even if the speakers are usually not very pious or God-fearing! Some of the very pious people may also be personality disorders so “buyer, beware” lol Despite their God-fearingness, they can be a pain in the butt!
I hope that through these reflections have got you thinking as to what kind of “spiritual soil” you need in your life to optimize your spiritual development. Let me know what you think and how you are coping with this all too common dilemma. Salaams, Ibrahim
Reason, my eye!
Modern societies have become so complex that even highly trained so-called experts don’t know how it works. I just spent two days trying to make my retirement fund (as meagre as it is)to work getting sent back from the bank to the investment fund, both in the same company name , each one claiming it was the other who had the key.
When the Bush-Gore debacle occurred in the presidential election, all the constitutional experts I heard speak, said the Supreme Court would not hear the case because it was a state jurisdiction. The Supreme Court decided within a couple of hours to hear it!
One big part of the puzzle is the fact that despite the claims of politicians and jurists, the systems are not at all rational. There is a large part of arbitrariness and subjectivity involved. One of my clients who was falsely accused of sexual misconduct and cleared was told by his lawyer that he was fortunate the judge was changed as the first judge would have surely found him guilty regardless of the evidence. The lawyers and the politicians know this is going on but, for convenience to themselves, they turn a blind eye.
The Age of Reason! Due process of the law! Give me a break!
LOVE
And yes,I believe in love- in all its forms! It doesn’t always lead to the most noble and judicious behaviour but it’s source is always Divine.And it represents the spark of the Absolute within each of us.
America the Beautiful!
I really don’t see why people are complaining so much about Trump! He is such a typical American.When I travel in America, which I do frequently,because of a condition which requires me to stand most of the time,I end up standing at the bar in restaurants(Another Divine irony-for a practicing Muslim lol).The conversations are inevitably the same-about money,investments,bargains and sports.So what is so unusual about Trump?! His taste in women(playboy and fashion models) his obsession with worldly success and money and his narcissism are all very American.If Americans want a more noble and distinguished personality perhaps they have to examine themselves and the superficiality of their world view!
Now,in all fairness I have a very ambivalent relationship with America.I love its science,technology,the openness of many of its people and their creativity.I have spent countless hours in America at conferences,workshops,spiritual retreats andtrainings of various types and learnt enormous amounts there..But the values….they stink! Crass materialism and superficiality are everywhere.This is NOT a culture the world should be emulating!
Natural and Organic
Ever since the organic movement has taken root in the hearts of people,there are tricksters out there trying to exploit it.So you get milk producers in California keeping their cows on treadmills indoors the entire time and Mexican farms with depleted soil advertising correctly that their products are organic.Technically they are correct as organic mostly refers to what is NOT in the product(like antibiotics and pesticides) rather than what is in the product like nutrients and a normailty of life-style for the animals.The truth however, is in the tasting.But that is difficult to measure.
An even more common trick ,however,is to label something “natural’. That is what health food stores and Wholefood stores do when the organic produce is not available or not profitable to sell.I have taken to relabelling “natural’ in my own mind as meaning”not organic”.
Then I thought about the deeper meaning of all this.Most people are,in fact, leading “natural” lives-that is they are thinking primarily about survival and secondarily if they have the time about pleasure.In my cynical moments I call this”the reptilian brain’ function.
Why is that? Because we are called upon by our Lord to be”organic” rather than “natural”This”natural’ or ‘normal’ is seriously problematic!.”Natural” is our programming,”organic” is the Path.And, in this path, we often have to oppose our programmed nature to get to our true nature.The name of the game here is “jihad-a-nafs”(struggling with the ego) and in all truth that is the only serious game in town and very few are playing it! That is why our Prophet saws told us that he saw many more people in the fire than in the light.
Think about it.It could change your life!