As I travel around the world, and I have done a significant amount of that in my lifetime,I realize that no matter where I am there is one constant. People, in general, do not make conscious choices in their lives. They are rather buffeted around by the surrounding social consensus, by financial needs and intercurring problems of whatever sort. In the Yogic schema we can say they are living in the first two chakras: chakra one of ‘survival’and chakra two of ‘pleasure’. Rarely do they ascend higher unless external forces propel them otherwise. This is very frustrating for people like myself who need others to make precisely those choices in order to make our interactions fruitful. Since I am not a Prophet and have no obvious miracles to shock people out of their complacency, my patience gets constantly tested. 🙁I guess that is my destiny lol
Category Archives: Psychology
The Marriage Contract
As I reflect on this question, I realize that I was raised on the Hollywood version of marriage. “ Love and Marriage , go together like a horse and carriage” isn’t that the way the song goes?But what if the hitch between the horse and carriage is broken or the horse is ailing or the carriage was made with inferior steel from China lol? The bond might easily break.
The second pillar of my view of marriage was the humanism I learnt while studying psychology. So from there one adds in ‘tolerance of differences’ and ‘communication’. Now the package is complete . That was the paradigm I was working with.
Now, after three unsuccessful marriages including a recent debacle and one mostly successful one that lasted 24 years, I have to seriously question whether my model is adequate. Not too many schools would accept a 25% success rate, n’est-ce pas!?
When I first came into Islam, I was introduced to another model of marriage. Instead of a romantic arrangement , it was defined as a contractual one. And over time I have come to see the wisdom of this approach. I understand ,as well, the pitfalls of this approach especially in modern times where families may ask for two many conditions especially monetary ones which become burdensome and unrealistic. For example, in Jordan where I did s sabbatical year, the fathers were often requiring $25, 000 US as dowry plus an owned appartment and a good job. Most young Jordanian men did not have such resources so many young women remained unmarried!
These excesses aside, the idea of setting out the terms of a marital arrangement before it is officialized appears to me to make more and more sense. Obviously one cannot foresee all the possible developments long-term in a marriage but some issues are foreseeable right from the onset. A few examples: If the man is Muslim and the wife is Christian, how are the children to be educated? Does the wife agree that all meat that enters the house will be halal?If the wife comes from a wealthy family and the husband has a simple middle-class job, she needs to agree from the outset that she will not have the same life-style that she had previously. If the wife is a Sufi practitioner and the husband is more of a standard Sunni or much worse a Wahhabi( in that case I wouldn’t recommend marriage at all lol) then he has to agree to accept her practice and not harass her about her beliefs or practices. Another issue that will frequently come up is the care of children. If the wife is insistent on continuing her career as soon as possible and the husband feels strongly that the mother should stay home for the first years of a child’s life, this should be dealt with quickly as the possibility of future conflict on this very issue remains and can lead to serious conflict and disruption in the family
As you can see the possibilities for such conflicts is very specific to each couple. I am sure that the reader can think of many other possibilities. Whatever is foreseeable should be addressed and included in the written contract whenever possible.
Now, does this solve all potential difficulties? By no means. However, it appears to me , at least, that this gives the players involved the best chance of success. I sincerely wish I would have understood this earlier!
Education!
All over the world , including here in Trinidad,I witness this tremendous investment and belief in “education”. Universities, private schools, standard testing etc., etc.But this is investment in cerebral development mostly. I can’t help wondering whether a similar investment in education of the heart and soul( emotional and spiritual education )could not make a greater impact. After all ,this emphasis on cerebral development is not working. If you don’t believe me, look around and check out the news lol!
A Warning!
(From”Sufism in Souh Asia” )by Professor Riazul Islam:” It is remarkable that at the main Suhrawardi centre at Multan, the successors of the venerable Sheikh Rukn ud-din Multani turned out to be men of doubtful reputation in morals as well as in monetary matters”.That was the 14th century! Plus que ça change, plus c’est pareil.(The same themes continuously emerge) Ever noticed anything like that in the spiritual circles you have frequented?!
Socially Conditioned Reflexes
(On reading Surat Yasin)Democracy teaches us to respect other peoples’ opinions.The Quran,and Holy books in general,teach us to respect the Truth! What a difference! Most peoples’ opinions are just socially conditioned reflexes.(You see that clearly in travelling.Most people just espouse the socially approved discourse of their milieu.And how different that can be from one place to the next!)That is why we need serious guidance,not politically correct platitudes.
The Fabulous Fours!
The number four comes up often in mystical teachings. There are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, The Four Questions at the Passover Seder and The Four Angels that carry the Arsh of Allah.
In this article we are concerned about three sets of fours from more modern teachings;
1) The Four Agreements of the Toltec teachings disseminated by Don Miguel Ruiz.A) Be impeccable with your words( similar to the Buddhist principle of Right Speech) B)Don’t take anything personally( probably the most difficult to follow if not impossible at times) C) Don’t make assumptions. (Actually do-able if you catch yourself quickly and are prepared to be wrong)and D) Always do your best( which most people would claim they are already doing but may not be the case lol)
Nevertheless many people have claimed that they have gotten traction with these principles and it has been beneficial.
The Four Procedures of Non-Violent Communication authored by Marshall Rosenberg
A) Observe(Without judgment- which Rosenberg considers violent) and share your observations
B) Be aware and share your feelings– as distinct from your objective observations
C) Identify your real needs in the situation
D) Make your requests in terms of these needs.
Again many people including a group of young farmers I know who have succeeded in resolving conflicts for thirteen years! with this methodology, have claimed benefit from this approach.
But the real four principles I wanted to elucidate here come from a Ted Talk given by a former Baptist Christian who was no longer able to follow the narrow-minded teachings she had received and instead embarked upon some intense twitter conversations to get clarity! Intriguing!
The four principles here are about conversing with people who have opposing views to your own.I think they are awesome and intend to try to practice them- on an experimental basis of course lol!
A) Don’t assume ill intent on the part of the other person(“He’s only saying that because he’s a narcissist or she’s only saying that because she’s vain or stubborn”) So also don’t assume the cause is psychopathology of one sort or another-like paranoia or personality disorder,for example.
B) Ask questions.No matter how right you feel you are, try to understand the others point of view.You may or may not be surprised.
C) Stay calm. That’s a tough but importantone, for me. When I feel unheard I get upset(Won’t go into the psycho -dynamics of that one for the meantime lol)
D) Make your argument Alternatively make your case. This is perhaps the most surprising but nevertheless very important. Don’t be a ‘wus’ and agree to everything.No room for bleeding-heart liberals here! But don’t be a bully either. Personally, I get impatient when what I am saying seems so obvious to me. But I have to learn to slowly but surely develop the argument rather than state the conclusion and get upset when it is not understood.
There is a lot of work for all of us here. And I am looking forward to it. I hope it is useful for you as well! Salaams, Ibrahim
Addendum:( The Fourth Four)
I have recently come across another protocol for dealing with difficult people. This one comes from a book entitled “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”.(Lindsay Gibson) It is about dealing with the enmeshment in families where parents are unempathic and disrespect their childrens’ boundaries. Some of my clients in counselling have already benefitted greatly from this approach.
As well, despite the title, this approach can also be used as a general protocol for difficult relationships-with partners, workplace colleagues, siblings and even children-all of whom can be just as emotionally immature as parents! These are the steps in this protocol. As you can see there is considerable overlap with the previous models but there are some distinctive features as well. So have a look:
- Become Observational( The same first principle as the Non-Violent Communication of Rosenberg.)This involves staying emotionally detached. Name and accept your own emotional reaction inwardly and coach yourself to detach.The author makes the perceptive point that in order to do this you have to above all avoid the “healing fantasy” whereby somehow your words are going to change the others behaviour or even more delusionally will change their character and way of being! Good Luck lol
- Express and Let go i.e. don’t become a nag or a brow-beating harasser. Make your point as in the lady Baptist’s idea “Make your case” and then drop it. I learnt this a long time ago from my psychoanalytic teacher. “Don’t worry about the initial reaction to your interpretation” he told us. “Watch the subsequent behaviour”.Many people will go into defensive denial when being confronted but the truth of what is being said will keep working on them.So be observational ,again, in the follow-up period.
- Focus on achievable goals rather than relationship enhancement. An achievable goal may just be not getting into a fight or limiting the length of the rant, or being clear that certain behaviours will not be tolerated.
- Manage the Interaction: That may involve limiting the duration of the interaction or the topics that can be addressed. The author has another interesting insight here .”Emotionally Immature people cannot deal with another persons persistence”! So you have to be prepared to stand your ground- without becoming aggressive, angry or abusive. We definitely have our work cut out for us here lol!
The Connection!
(From a recent Facebook conversation)I’m on a roll here lol so let me complete my thought.In Islamic /Sufi terms we have the four enemies(hawa-desire,dunniya-worldliness,nafs-ego and shaytan-the devil).Each of these enemies uses thought as the vehicle for its negative inflence!Think about it.Is that not how it works?!This has always been true.But in modern times we have systematized this distortion through putting too much attention on planning,theorizing,algorithms(as they do in medicine and I.T.),procedures,etc..So essentially we have created a theology/religion based on Conceptual Thought .Some call this religion”Science”. Others call it “Coherency” or “Rationality” or even”Due Process” but, regardless of the name we give it, this leads us further and further away from Truth. Philosophically this is referred to as The Map vs. Territory problem.We have given way to much importance to the map and in the pursuit of this “control” we have lost the territory.God help us.
Trinidadian Agriculture and The Mystical Path
Trinidadian Agriculture and the Mystical Path
As I go visiting farms in Trinidad and speak to the farmers and even the academics at the University Agriculture Department , one thing strikes me-the emphasis they put on composting. The first academic agronomist I spoke to was specialized in the field. At the Green Market I visited on Saturday, there was a vendor just selling compost. And at Louis Bertrand’s farm there was a huge infrastructure for composting, the likes I have not seen at our organic farms in Quebec with the possible exception of the famous Serbian farmer Dag who convinced the city of St. Lazare to dump all the leaves from its autumn clean-up on his farm. Eventually, they closed down his farm , however, saying it was an eye-sore!
At first, I thought this emphasis on composting somewhat peculiar but, on further reflection, I realized it was a stroke of genius. To quote an iconic statement from my own spiritual process: ”Composting man ,that’s where it’s at” lol Why is that so important?! Because the soil and its nutrients are the basis of the whole process. For example, you may have noticed that generally organic tomatoes have almost no taste. That puzzled me for a while until I realized that ”organic” only refers to what isn’t in the product-no pesticides, no chemical fertilizers no GMOs. It doesn’t say anything about what is in the product-i.e. nutrients. So if you have a farm in Mexico, for example , that keeps using the same depleted soil over and over again without replenishing it, you may have an “organic” product but you won’t necessarily have a healthy one!
Those of you who know me by now may well have an idea of where I am headed here. I see all of what exists in this concrete world as a metaphor for what exists in the invisible world and the after-life. This resembles the concept of “concomitants” developed by the Swedish Mystic Emmanuel Swedenborg. Everything in this universe has an equivalent in the subtle world.
So what is composting?! Composting is the ground of our existence-the soil we plant ourselves in. And it is VERY important to have good spiritual soil or our spiritual being and its process will not thrive!
So what are the ingredients necessary for a fertile spiritual soil?” you may well ask. The Buddhist model of the eight-fold path could be a useful start as it defines the way to enhance our process of Enlightenment. The eight-fold path involves: Right Mindfulness, Right Vocation, Right Effort, Right Vie, Right Action, Right Speech, Right Concentration and Right Intention. The terms speak for themselves but if the reader would like to explore each of these concepts more in depth there are numerous sources available on the internet and in published books .It is not my intention to write a summary of Buddhist methodology in this text.
What I would rather do is focus in on a few dimensions of the “soil” that I have observed in my own practice and the practice of those around me that are relevant to the spiritual path. Obviously good behaviour, good speech and good intention and serious effort are all important. Those are challenges we face on a daily basis.
What concerns me more, at this point, however, are the items which involve more long-term decision-making -specifically “right vocation” and “right company”( not an item in the Buddhist model although the Buddhists try to cover that area by developing monasteries, something we are discouraged from doing in Islam and Sufism.)As to right vocation, this become particularly problematic in modern times. As the MBAs(“the suits” lol) take over ,they try to push all work-related tasks into more and more “efficiency”!(?Profit-making) and as they do that they create more and more stress at the workplace. Doing the jobs of two or three people, working long overtime hours, having constantly to document everything we are doing and defend our actions, may lead to more “efficacy” in terms of labour costs. It also leads to nervous breakdowns and depression! I have personally seen many, many patients in my psychiatric practice suffering from this push to efficacy. Often, it pushes people to stress and burn-out. It can go as far as pushing people to suicide!
As spiritual seekers, it is our duty to be very conscious of this process and resist it. Otherwise, our work will completely drain us and devitalize our souls, so that we are incapable of advancing spiritually .Dealing with this phenomenon may involve changing jobs, starting our own businesses(although that can be very stressful as well) or taking a job that pays less or is less prestigious in order to leave time and energy for other pursuits.
In my travels I have run into two contrasting models of time-management around work. In Syria (before the terrible Civil War) there were still places that followed the traditional timetable. In that schedule, people went to work after the morning-prayer and finished at the time of the noon-day prayer. That still gave them a work-day of seven hours. Then the entire after-noon and evening was available for family life, studies, dhikr, or whatever else interested them. That is an example of balance from my point of view.
The opposite extreme is the” Manhattan model”-you work every day of the week including most evenings and then crash out exhausted on the weekend. Then you restart the cycle on Monday morning. That is not to mention the possibility of weekend meetings, deadline overtimes, and all-nighters .In some of the high-tech industries, people are expected to sleep overnight at work and rest as little as possible to meet deadlines. Is that normal in anyone’s mind?!
As to the question of right company, that, too, can be a complex issue. Obviously, we are highly influenced by the social milieu that surrounds us- no matter how resilient we believe ourselves to be. Spiritual teachers since time immemorial have been urging their disciples to keep good company. This is because we not only pick up the behaviours and ideas from the people around us, we also pick up their states of being which determine those thoughts and behaviours. So beware! This is no light matter.
Now the situation can get complicated, as human beings have multiple dimensions of existence. Someone, for example, might share your value systems but be very boring to be around. Someone may be in a very high spiritual state but it can disrupt your emotional and worldly functions. I have been in tariqats with very pious good people where I had nothing to say to them and I found their discourse predictable and uninteresting. Despite the teachers suggesting we practice “suhba”-spiritual company with brothers from the group, it can get tedious and trying. At that point I might prefer to listen to a stimulating lecture on “Ideas” the CBC nightly intellectual talk -even if the speakers are usually not very pious or God-fearing! Some of the very pious people may also be personality disorders so “buyer, beware” lol Despite their God-fearingness, they can be a pain in the butt!
I hope that through these reflections have got you thinking as to what kind of “spiritual soil” you need in your life to optimize your spiritual development. Let me know what you think and how you are coping with this all too common dilemma. Salaams, Ibrahim
LOVE
And yes,I believe in love- in all its forms! It doesn’t always lead to the most noble and judicious behaviour but it’s source is always Divine.And it represents the spark of the Absolute within each of us.
America the Beautiful!
I really don’t see why people are complaining so much about Trump! He is such a typical American.When I travel in America, which I do frequently,because of a condition which requires me to stand most of the time,I end up standing at the bar in restaurants(Another Divine irony-for a practicing Muslim lol).The conversations are inevitably the same-about money,investments,bargains and sports.So what is so unusual about Trump?! His taste in women(playboy and fashion models) his obsession with worldly success and money and his narcissism are all very American.If Americans want a more noble and distinguished personality perhaps they have to examine themselves and the superficiality of their world view!
Now,in all fairness I have a very ambivalent relationship with America.I love its science,technology,the openness of many of its people and their creativity.I have spent countless hours in America at conferences,workshops,spiritual retreats andtrainings of various types and learnt enormous amounts there..But the values….they stink! Crass materialism and superficiality are everywhere.This is NOT a culture the world should be emulating!