A teaching moment:Personal “Mise au Point”(hard to translate but let’s say point of personal clarification).Sheikh Abdul Haqq during a dhikr/shiva meeting says to one of his students.”This is Dr. Ibrahim He produces books”.Somehow that didn’t sit well with me and later that night I messaged him the following”Asalamu aleykum Abdul Haqq. Since you are the servant of Haqq(Truth),Minor correction.You said to the brother” This is Dr. Ibrahim. He produces books” Not quite right . More accurate would have been”This is Dr. Ibrahim. He looks for truth wherever he can find it. Then he expresses his discoveries in books”( or other communications like the blog and Youtube videos) No hard feelings. I just like to be accurate. Producing books is not my goal. Spreading genuine knowledge is! “Salaams, Ibrahim
This was very helpful to me.I could feel the ‘ring of Truth’ in it.Abdul Haqq was gracious and humble,as usual,in acknowledging the Reality..Alhumdulillah.
Category Archives: Psychology
Podcast Good and Bad
Struggling with the Inner “Kvetch”
More than ten years ago now,I was doing a summer intensive in Arabic in Jordan. As a student, I was sharing space with three other students and a load of ugly Ikea furniture- obviously bought by the landlord to minimize his expenses lol. One of the students that I got quite close to over time was a young Palestinian with a huge chip on his shoulders because of the horrible conditions his family had to endure being displaced by the Israels..I understood well where his acrimony came from but like many people having suffered trauma ,the problem became generalized and expanded so that it was no longer the Zionist state but all Jews and a world-wide Zionist conspiracy and the CIA etc,etc. I am sure most readers are aware of what I am referring to-the conspiratorial mind-set.
One day we were having a conversation about religion in general and I said that each religious community had, as well as the general truths about man and God, a particular strength.Given his mindset he became confused (possibly angry) and said”And what is the particular strength of the Jews?”,being incredulous that they could actually have positive qualities. As often in these confrontations, when faced with a surprising but deep question,I stop for a moment.Not my usual nature lol.And the answer then came to me:’Humanity” I responded ,not really knowing where that answer came from.In fact it was one of those moments of inspiration,where I was surprised, myself, by the answer.I had never formulated it that way before. I,too,had to think about it.
Besides the obvious fact of Jews excelling in the humanities,arts and science and medicine actually this current is present in the language, Yiddish,itself .Like many people in modern times,I have been in reaction to my parents values and culture for a long time-and with good reason lol.But recently I have come to appreciate some of the wisdom they transmitted to me.And most of it was not really personal but cultural.Much of it is embedded in the language of Yiddish.
And so we come to the word “kvetch”! Now,most Americans living in big cities or regularly watching cable news have come into contact with this word on numerous occasions.This is not the case for recent immigrants,their children and people living in the mid-West or small-town America.Nevertheless it is a very useful word.
“Kvetch “is an onomatopoeia-that is it sounds like what it means.So is”chialeux” in French.The English word ‘complain’ does not have the same force.And in Arabic I had to look up the word in the dictionary as it is not used that often.(In all fairness,I only know some classical Arabic and cannot speak the language of the street so maybe the word for complaining is present).I prefer to think that the Arabs, to their credit, are not a complaining culture! It has seemed to me that way in my interactions with them but perhaps someone with more experience could correct me if I am wrong.Certainly the French-Canadians that I know well like to use the word and walk the walk of “chialer” regularly lol.They are almost at the “kvetch” level culturally.
So,why is this important? Because kvetching can easily become a problem-socially and individually.It implies a focus on the negative-a focus that is often unhelpful and unhealthy.It can easily lead to negativism,cynicism and ultimately even depression! So we have to manage this behaviour, not enable it.
Now moving briefly from the field of sociology to the field of psychology,Aaron Beck,founder of the school of Cognitive Therapy identified the triad of depressive ideations.It involves 1) a negative expectation for future events(“this project is not going to work”);a negative evaluation of current events(“this concert stinks”or”this person is a pain in the butt”) and 3) a negative assessment of oneself(“I’m a failure”,I’m a loser”,”I’m no good at anything”)The CBT therapists work at trying to correct these cognitive distortions.And work it is!
Now when I investigate myself ,and this is what we,all,must do if we wish to advance,i am alright I believe, in the first and third categories,some would probably say overly optimistic lol.But the second one(evaluating current situations) is problematic.Although I often positively envision what will occur in the future when I am an the situation itself,I have a strong tendency to see what is wrong(“this espresso has no crema”,”that person has no luminosity in their face”,”the weather here is too hot’) when actually in situ.The examples are endless.”Kvetching” sticks to me like cultural superglue!
Here is where we come to the spiritual point and a very,very important point at that.Feeling and expressing ‘gratitude”(shukr in Arabic) .It’s a biggie.The Islamic tradition puts a very high value on its development.But in order to do that properly ,one has to see the positive,feel it,hear it.Not easy in a “kvetchy” mind-set.Sometimes we may even need help.The help can come in the form of a spiritual teacher or a worldly teacher or a partner.Some people,for whatever reason, seem to do this easily.Others ,and they can be essentially good and principled people,have a really hard time.They need models.
A point of clarification here.I am not advocating “pie in the sky”, “seeing the world through rose-colored lenses” kind of approaches.Even the Cognitive therapists know that will not work. The positivity has to be based on reality.And it has to be complemented with an appropriate discerning eye.So we are back to the Islamic principle of”amr bil maroof and nehi al munkar”(enjoining the good and preventing evil) or more specifically in this context identifying the good and expressing it when appropriate and underlining the bad and discouraging it,when appropriate.All of this,of course,requires wisdom and discernment in its application.God be with you.Salaams,Ibrahim
Bezos vs. Pecker(Amazon vs. National Enquirer).Latest American scandal: One of the deceptive tactics in the modern world M.O. is to take a socially common phenomenon and make it into an individual issue.The example of Trump as president,individually reflecting so many of the bad social values endemic in American society(greed,materialism,self-centredness and xenophobia for starters)is the most prominent instance of this..So too Pecker threatening Bezos that if he doesn’t publish an article exculpating them from political interference ,they will publish embarrassing material on him.Is this really different from how many,if not most,corporations act? Are there not loads of threatening and actual lawsuits ,cease and desist orders-threatening financial ruin,discrediting reputations,reporting to federal and state authorities of misdemeanors.How about the chemical companies suing scientists reporting on the cancerogenic effects of their products.In Canada the federal government fired scientists for making public the same kind of findings.So this kind of ‘curvishe'(whorish) stuff is going on all the time in our wonderful democratic societies.,So don’t tell me this is only Pecker and Bezos.So “wake up and smell the coffee” oh modernists.And I hope it’s a decent cup of espresso at least lol.You can thank another prominent C.EO. Howard Schultz (I’m confident there are plenty of scandals to be found there as well.just wait to see if he persists in the campaign) for that.I visited pre-Starbucks America and the only place you could find decent coffee was in small isolated Italian restaurants!
Many years ago my spiritual teacher asked me to consult with a female follower of Rajneeesh at a spiritual centre in Germany.She was at that point in a state of sever depression.When I went over the history ,it was clear that her depression had worsened year by year as she participated in this decadent spiritual group.She would hear nothing of it.She blamed herself for”being too resistant to the teacher”(That was actually her key to recovery lol rather than the cause of the problem).The group happily concurred with that analysis.They didn’t want to look at the negative effect that environment was having on them all.So”when in doubt,blame an individual”. That seems to be the bottom-line approach.
Coming back briefly to the question of America.The U.S.A. should be doing a serious rethink of their entire life-style from top to bottom.Because, despite all the pomp and ceremony and latest technology,it isn’t working.The usual outcome of all of this is,of course,collapse like all the previous corrupt empires.But we do have the option of turning around.I wouldn’t bet on it however,not even on the new NFL betting sites lol
Borderlines: The Three Responses
Some more psychological coping strategies: I have already posted a blog called”Self-Talk: The Three denials” about dealing with anxiety in ourselves.This one is about dealing with Borderline Personalities in our lives.It is the result of a lot of clinical study and experience plus personal exposure to this kind of personalty,charming as they may be at times lol
1) “Whoa.Take it easy“. This is for the borderline when the emotional intensity is way beyond the actual events.But first,you have to sense the amplification and the unnecessary level of distress.The DBT people would call this”Emotional Awareness” or “Mindfulness’. The recipient of this emotional storm,you, needs to be solid,well-grounded and un-reactive, at least externally,in order to be able to implement this effectively.
2) “With all due respect,what you are saying or implying is not true” When you are being subject to a serious projection or distortion of the reality of the moment because of the underlying paranoid attitude of the Borderline person.Here you need to stand your ground ,not expect that the person will accept what you are saying,let them deny it and then sit with your words.I learnt from the psychoanalysts not to worry so much about the initial response.Watch the effect over time and you might be surprised to find that some of it sticks!
3)’You were on the right track(or even you were spot on ) when you said.…”This is not simply a way of endearing the person to you or flattering them.In fact,the borderline has a very fragile ego that needs to be bolstered in its confidence by knowing when they are ,in fact, right.You can see this as repairing a fragile sense of self.
And to quote the bard once again”And he just said-‘Good Luck’ lol
Salaams,Ibrahim
Winning?!
One of the biggest problems in American politics and in American society generally is this notion of “winning“. Although Trump talked about working together last nite(State of the Union 2019) , he talks much more often and more convincingly about the importance of ”winning”.And it is not just Trump. The entire nation is obsessed with so-called winning.?” Whether in sports where Tom Brady is the most winning quarterback(arguably also the most boring!) or in elections or the adversarial legal process the key issue seems always to be “winning”. This is , of course, also true in academia(winning a place in the best university or having the highest grades there) or in business( having the most profit, the highest increase in stock value for the company) etc.,etc. This is a pathological social attitude that is creating stress and sickness right through the society! What ever happened to to the Christian idea that the first will be last. According to Christian history ( Muslims don’t accept that narrative) the biggest loser( what can be a worse loss than being crucified) is the biggest winner(saving humanity). So we need a major rethink on this issue. Clearly Trump is not the man for this job. He needs too much to keep “winning “ to bolster his fragile ego!
Cleanliness is next to Godliness?!
Their hearts are full of greed and envy and resentment and self-centredness but their houses are impeccably clean. This is one of the shirks( idolatries) of the modern era . I can hear the naysayers already”But isn’t cleanliness important?Don’t the Christians say:’Cleanliness is close to Godliness’. Don’t the Muslims do wudu and avoid ‘najas’(dirty things)?”Yes, this is all true. But there are priorities and perspective that is needed. Seriously!
When I came back from a long sabbatical in the Middle East, I was astounded by what I saw. “There are only three virtues left here-punctuality, material cleanliness and not pushing into line”, I would say. I could add hard work in some cases. But that is a pitiful list of virtues, especially if one is trying to improve our relationship with our Creator ! We need to work on inner cleaning, big time. Otherwise we are sunk.
Amongst the more common complaints I heard from patients in my psychiatric practice was:”My mother was much more concerned with the house being clean than she was with my emotional state.I felt I didn’t really exist for her.” I heard that many times!
Borderline Personality explored Further
As most psychiatrists I have often been dismissive of the “borderline” appelation. It seemed to be mostly a creation of the psychoanalysts eager to confirm their model separating the neuroses from the psychoses and justifying their initial lack of success with this category of patients.
However,over time,with considerable observation of these people in both my professional and personal life,I now understand better how close they can be to this “border”.In fact, much of the literature on this subject makes short shrift of the psychotic aspects involved.Yes,there is mention of the “brief psychotic episodes” in DSM5 and the psychopharmacologists recommend using atypical antipsychotic meds in some cases.But generally the psychotic aspects are minimized in favour of the “interpersonal sensitivity” and “emotional dysregulation”.
In fact,I believe that, in most cases, there is a wellspring of “paranoia’ lying under the surface which may well be responsible for much of the symptomatology and it is usually not being addressed properly in treatment.So even the best of therapies like DBT(Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) may be ignoring the depth and instead focusing on surface symptoms such as emotional intensity and dysregulation.Although DBT has definite benefits for this form of psychopathology this feature may ,in fact,be limiting its effectiveness.
Now “paranoia’ itself is no easy matter to treat.The key to its detoxification is to be aware of the illusory character of its affect and thought content but again this is no simple task.However, awareness of its presence by both the patient and the people around them should be a vital tool in its management.A judicious and temporary use of low-dose anti-psychotics may be a viable option in some cases.Let us explore together where this new perspective can take us.
“Productivity” And Stress
Such a pleasure flying with Caribbean Airlines compared to Air Canada. None of that” maximum efficiency at all costs” vibe! Someone should start factoring in “stress-induction” in their calculations instead of always thinking “cost-cutting” and “productivity” as the administrators are taught to do in MBA school!
The Power of Social Conditioning
If you don’t believe in the power of social-conditioning, and I didn’t really myself in my younger days, then re-analyze the lives of the three Prophets we know best. Mohammed sal Jesus a.s.and Moses a.s. Almost all the opposition they faced came from socially-conditioned responses!
The Quraish , as the Arab tribes of the time, were socially-conditioned to be idol-worshippers; the Jews who opposed Jesus were socially-conditioned to follow the letter of the Law rather than the spirit; and the Jews who objected to Moses were conditioned by the Egyptians around them to worship animals, thus the Golden cow. So beware.
Although I personally don’t like their approach, I now understand the Hasidim and the Deobandis and certain Christian sects who protect their children from outside influences. How to manage this problem is not clear to me, at this point, but being fully aware of it is a good first step. May Allah help us in this Jihad of values.