This one is controversial but it needs to be said.There is much talk about racism especially in the United States but there is also much misunderstanding.Fortunately I had a very good teacher ,Sheikh Nazim al Qubrusi, who was both universally loving and yet aware of distinctions between  people and nations.He had none of those liberal delusions of us all being the same.

So here is what I propose. If you truly want to be free of racism, start with your own nation/race-the one you identify with.Then take a sheet of paper or an electronic note-pad if you insist on being digital. I prefer to be old-fashioned way on this one lol.Divide the sheet into two.On one, side write all the qualities you like about your own natiuon/race.On the other side write down all its faults.

If you have a goods balance between the two sides and have properly identified credits and debits of your own biological origins, you are well on your way to being a non-racist.You will also be in a much better position to accept and deal with other nations.If, on the other hand, you can only see qualities in your people you can be assured that you are still imbued with racism.If you see mostly defects in your racial/national origins then you are a self-hating so and so or a reverse racist.

However,if you don’t believe in national/racial differences and think it’s all about individual differences ,you are living in a delusional world. And I was taught in psychiatric training not to argue with delusions.So I will leave you alone and you can forget entirely about this teaching .

“Asperger’s is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and non-verbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviour and interests.” I am not bringing up this issue as a matter of clinical interest.Rather, it is an element of vital interest in our daily lives and can seriously contribute to human suffering,especially in the area of relationships. Now,officially,Asperger’s has been eliminated from our diagnostic lexicon -DSM-5- in favour of”Autistic Spectrum Disorder”(ASD). Unfortunately,changing the nomenclature does not eliminate the reality as many so-called ‘Aspies’ will tell you.And in an age where autism has reached epidemic proportions,we are sure to meet many cases of autism in our daily life.I see them all around me and I don’t mean just in my practice!

As many psychiatrists of a certain age,we were raised on the Freudian model in which there were “hysterics”(usually women) and obsessives(usually men). Vive la Difference,as many would say.It appears,however, that there has been a paradigm shift,at least amongst the psychologically minded.Now we talk about the Asperger’s(usually male) and the Borderlines(usually female).And the relationship between these two can be very problematic,to say the least.A lady I knew,stuck in a relationship with a partner she suspected of having Asperger’s, went onto a website designed for such partnerships.One of the women posting on the site said the following:”If you are currently in a relationship with someone suffering from Asperger’s,get out of there as quickly as possible.None of your needs as a woman will be met”That may sound like an extreme position but there is no doubt that it contains a kernel of truth.

Now,who are these Asperger’s’ people.A note of warning here.Often the professionals ,even the experts,get this one wrong.That is either because they do not have enough information from third parties or because they define the unusual,repetitive behaviours in  too narrow a sense.Remember that many of these people are highly functional and successful.It is a commonly held view in  psychological milieus that both Bill Gates(Of Microsoft fame) and Mark Zuckerberg(of Facebook fame) are Aspergers.I cannot attest to that not having assessed the  myself but this gives you an idea of the subtlety of the task at hand.One of my best friends turned out to be an Asperger’s and it took me thirty years to realize it and then again only after two unsuccessful marriages on his part!

The essential characteristic of the Asperger’s person is that “they don’t get it!”.They are not connected emotionally to others .They have little or no empathy and they cannot listen to input from others Sounds like a lot of people you know,eh?The portrait of this personality type is Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory.I tell all my patients that I suspect to be in a relationship with this an Asperger’s type to watch that  T.V. show and see if they can relate to him.It doesn’t take most of them very long to see the relevance.And it can be devastating in a relationship just as we see Amy suffering with Sheldon..There’s no-one home! For females,this seems to be particularly difficult.They want to be recognized. They want to communicate.Males are,generally,simpler creatures.If they get their physical needs met,they are satisfied.This may well be changing but not as quickly as some people think.

So what do we do if we suspect we are in a relationship with an Aspie.Big problem! The fact is that we,in psychiatry ,don’t have any robust treatments to offer.Even our treatments for the more intense Autistic syndromes are only partially effective and often quite superficially at that. After all ,we are dealing,essentially, with a neurological condition and there are no medications or other  interventions that can affect the syndrome at its source.So for now we are at an impasse.We can do social relations training but again that teaches proper behaviour at its best but doesn’t address the heart of the matter.and often it is “the heart” that is missing.The best advice I can give for now is:identify it,accept it and adapt.Or run away ASAP lol

Several years ago I met a psychiatric colleague who I had studied with at the beginning of my residency training at the University of Montreal.He had developed a reputation as a teacher of CBT(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I had a question for him.” Most of the people I give CBT homework assignments like keeping a thought log don’t end up doing them. What do you suggest?”He responded that these kind of homework assignments don’t work.S o I asked him what he did”I teach them self-talk.That’s the most effective part of CBT”. For those who are not aware of CBT, let me clarify that the basis of this treatment is to replace dysfunctional, irrational thoughts with rational ones.

O.K. “So How can I put this to work on myself?”I thought.I began watching my own internal process and realized that there were at least three states I had to deal with.1) The first was the rush of ideas and plans and concerns that fill up our minds on a regular basis.”I need to finish this quickly”;”I have to get on to the next chore”;”When will I find time to do this other thing?There is a deadline for that”. All of these”busy” thoughts crowd our minds and create stress. Response“There’s no rush”(And most often there isn’t.)

2) The surges of anxiety.We detect a spot on our skin.Maybe it’s a melanoma?! Our child is late from school.Maybe they had a car accident.A patient misses an appointment.Maybe they made a suicidal attempt.And each time we think these thoughts our adrenaline increases and the adrenocortical system gets activated.Reponse:“There’s no danger”and usually there isn’t.

3) What Sheikh Nuh called the third piece of Lasagna lol-the desire reflex.We just had an ice cream and we want another and another.The bulimic reflex.We spent time with a person we really care about and we want to see them again right away.But it’s too early and they will feel invaded.This can even take a spiritual form.I just experienced a spiritual state(hal) and I want it to continue.But you can’t do it.That state is not in your control.Only your Lord can order it. Response”There’s no need.”

For those who need a spiritual reference we can see here three of the Buddhist klesas(obstacles to enlightenment-desire,aversion and agitation.)With this simple method we can quiet those klesas.I am in the process,myself, of testing this out.Try it yourself and send me your comments.

In resumé, remember:”There’s no rush,there’s no danger,and there’s no need”Try it and see.

I remember two watershed events in my youth-the High School Graduation Prom and the New Year’s eve celebrations.I think I had a major depression after the first and was definitely in a funk after the latter -every year until I “got it”

“How could this be?” you may reasonably ask.Don’t forget I was raised on the theme song: “Enjoy yourself.It’s later than you think”Really! It’s still the theme song of most Westerners.Isn’t it all about fun and recreation?Isn’t that the purpose of life?To quote a well-known hedonist and materialist”Wrong!”

By my early twenties I was convinced this was the wrong way to go.At first,I would allow myself to be guiltified and doubt my own instincts.Maybe I just didn’t know how to enjoy myself.Maybe I wasn’t”letting go sufficiently.That didn’t quite make sense as my parents, especially my Mom, had highly valued having a good time and was practicing the art well into her eighties!

I can still remember the period leading up to the high-school graduation dance and the aftermath.This was supposed to be “the time of your life”. Dressing up in the finest,going to the best restaurant we knew,riding in a stretch limousine,stayimng up til the next morning.Isn’t that what life is about? And yet….the very next day I was dumps.I kept playing that silly song on my record-player”What’s it all about,Alfie?’It resonated in my soul. I was lost.I don’t know how I managed to study in that state of mind.We were just two months from final exams. Guess I just went into hyper-focus and did very well.Another sign of being out of touch I guess.Hyper-performers usually are.Ever noticed?!

New Year’s Eve was more or less the same story.Except since it repeated itself every year,you could hope that next year would be the real one.It never was!

I guess the moral of the story is obvious.Since I love stating the obvious and then being either ignored or rebuked for doing so,let’s go.FUN is not the purpose of life! All hedonists end up in some kind of depression.Either the fun stops because of changed circumstances or they become tolerant to the perks of pleasure and they crash.Look elsewhere for meaning ,folks .It will do you good- in this life and in the after-life.