The M.O. for Men in Relationships
A couple of months ago I published an article about “Fascinating Womanhood: The Work of Helen Andelin”. I believe there are some very interesting points in Ms. Andelin’s work that allow women to detox from some of the Feminist distortions that make relationships almost impossible for women and men. If you want to find out more, you can go to my blog at sufipilgrimsprogress.com and find the article. Well worth reading I believe.
However, towards the end of this article I realized that there was something very crucial that was missing! How are men supposed to behave?! Surely a woman can not succeed all on her own without the help of her partner. Paradoxically is that not part of the feminist myth- of the “superwoman”?! Or is that the one myth about women that the feminists denounce lol? In either case the question remains:” What is the man to do?
Honestly I didn’t know where to start! As Red/Green used to say on his TV series:”I’m a man ,but I can change, if I have to, I guess” Lol. Another put-down of the male gender! But that is to be expected. Then a client of mine sent me an article by a Dr.Audrey in an online magazine called “Illumination”. And I realized that this would be a good place to start. So this article is a résumé of that article, edited and augmented with my own observations and insights. But the basic structure, around four themes, I have kept in place . And so here it is!
1_The woman needs to feel loved and appreciated (the author says “loved and adored” but I think that is going too far!) Adoration is for the Lord in my books-no one else. Making a partner into a god is a bad place to start lol Other appropriate words could be “wanted” and “desired” and “ cherished” “Wrap her in your love-use your body, voice, words and soul to let her feel your love” says the author. “But don’t go too far,I would add.” You don’t want to sound maudlin or insincere or overly idealizing. That could have the opposite effect and destroy your credibility .So how do you go about doing it?
:Tell her about your love-when you feel it! Don’t make it into a meaningless habit however. Like in Britain where they often say ”Love” which is simply an expression of politeness or in Arab society where everyone is “Habibi” lol
:Say “you look beautiful or pretty or great in that dress or doing the gardening or when you dance to that music”.
:Bring thoughtful gifts like chocolates, a card ,a special pastry that she likes ,flowers, etc.
: Do some of the work at home ,in the yard, fixing things, putting up shelving-show your actionable love.
; Keep in touch regularly-by text, by messaging ,by phone. Remind her that you’re thinking about her.
; Kiss her, hug her-on a regular basis
; Take care of her car and do the home repairs. If you’re into cooking, do so.
: Plan a date (Gottman says once a week) where you “wine and dine” her. If you’re Muslim make that “sparkling water instead lol)
: Tell her that you chose her before all the others and that you’re happy with your choice.
2-Express your Leadership
This is especially true in the era of ”equality” and the emasculated male! The man is still the head of the household-no matter what the feminists would like to think. And women DO appreciate Leadership in men!
“She wants you to lead the way on things that matter to her. She needs to feel your direction, your pacing, and your certainty. She wants to be confident that you hold the map to your own life-as well as to your life together.”
So take the lead in making plans, in setting goals dealing with finances, making love or settling issues.
Plan the dinner, plan the date, plan an outing, plan a vacation i.e. take initiative-that’s your male role.
N.B. None of this is be done harshly or in an authoritarian way. Be a skillful leade-not a tyrant! And consult whenever needed.
Take the dominant role sexually but follow it up with cuddling and “pillow talk” of how much she means to you.
Organize your goal purchase- a car, a house, a new computer and then present her with choices.
“Grab her. Hold her tight, Kiss her and Lead with love”. (This will not work if there was a lot of childhood trauma as she will experience this as assault! In that case you’ll have to go much more gently!)
3-She needs to feel supported and encouraged and respected.
The author says: ”Some days I just want my partner to just open his eyes and notice that I’m doing all these things. I want him to tell me I’m a great mom, a great entrepreneur and a great wife -without me telling him to say that” That is , like us all, the woman needs to be acknowledged for everything she is doing.
An aside…One of my spiritual teachers used to put his students in short retreats for spiritual attainment. He was someone who highly valued knowledge. But he noticed that the people who got the most benefit from the retreats were the mothers who had spent their time taking care of their children, not the scholarly types!… Got him thinking lol..
So…. Express appreciation regularly. The author suggests setting up an appreciation board but that seems a bit “kitshy” to me. To each his/her own lol You can do appre3ciation without gimmicks!
Encourage her to follow her dreams (Gottman says this is essential for both partners.He claims that most of the irresolvable problems in couples came from one partner being prevented from pursuing their dreams))I have had women in therapy whose partners refuse to have children.I generally coun- sel men not to do that! If a woman’s dream is to have a family, the man has no right to block her.And I have yet to meet a man who regretted that decision.In fact the men who are most resistant are the ones who fall madly in love with the children when they are born! lol.
:Ask her about her day(debriefing every day after work).
:Hire outside help to make her life easier.
:Schedule a surprise break for her-spa,vacation
4- She must feel safe
Wandering eyes and scattered attention create doubt.When a woman fears,she shuts down. Then she withdraws.
You need to be extra-careful if there is trauma in her history(and there is lots of that out there!)Then there is always the fear that anything can go wrong.And then she feels “out of control” So the man has to be the bulwark ,the pillar .And not react to her emotionality!
- The author, being a modernist woman conditioned by feminism to not fully acknowledge gender differences, is unwilling to acknowledge the problematic emotionality of women-often hyperemotionality.Once we factor that into the equation we realize that the man has to be the bulwark ,the rudder in the stormy waters.He needs to not get swept up in the in evitable emotional storms and remain solid and unfazed.That is what ,more than anything else,will make the woman feel safe.If he reacts emotionally himself or is intimidated by the woman’s emotionality,he loses his masculine credibility and then the entire family suffers the consequences.
The author says:
“Hold her tight for a long hug.Tell her you’ll always hold her.Tell her you’ll always be there for her”All of that ,of course,is contingent on the man being in control of himself.Otherwise it will ring hollow!
The author then says (without really acknowledging female frailty):”Show her you can absorb her moods ,her swings, her occasional drama(or more than occasional lol)her doubts, her questions. Stand firm and strong and let her see you can handle and accept every part of her,the good and the not-so-good and everything in between.”
:Understand her.Observe her.Understand when she needs you to come closer and when she wants you to back off.It’s a dance.Learn the right steps and the right timing!
So, in résumé:
- Love and Cherish her
- Assume your leadership role
- Give support and Encouragement and
- Provide an atmosphere of safety and trust
Then again as I mentioned about the female role in Helen Andelin, don’t become overdemanding on yourself. You’ll never be perfect all the time.A t times you will mess up-overdo it and underdo it. But, each time, come back to basic principles and accept yourself and your partner as fallible human beings. And “He just said-‘Good Luck”! (courtesy Bob Dylan who had his share of tumultuous relationships lol)