Dealing With Emotions-Active and Passive
In my current work as spiritual counsellor and in my previous work as a psychiatrist, I realized that one of the most common problems that people deal with is how to manage emotions- both ours and those of others. This article, as indicated by the title, will be about two subjects 1) How do we handle our emotions when they get intense and 2- how do we handle the intense emotions of others. This is what I am referring to by the terms “active” and “passive”.
The first part of the challenge is what do we do when our emotions are out of control. This part is based on the work of Marsha Linehan ,the developer of DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) -often used to treat Borderline Personality Disorder. These are people who suffer from “Emotional Dysregulation” a term Dr.Linehan developed to describe what is going on in these patients, without over pathologizing or over-medicalizing the phenomenon.
The second part which I refer to as “passive” is when we have to deal with people in our environment who themselves suffer from “Emotional Dysregulation”. Here we will rely on a formula developed and described by Lindsay Gibson in her book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” Although the title refers to parents, in fact this formula can be used with many other people as well-such as spouses, friends, colleagues at work and even children although we have less expectations of emotional self-control in this latter group.
N.B. This presentation is not meant to be a panacea for what is often a very complex phenomenon- underpinned by psychopathology, genetci predispositions, childhood trauma and actual abuse of all sorts. Nevertheless, these strategies have proved to be useful and even life-changing for many of my clients andcan be potentially for people all across the globe.
Anecdote. (People who know me know that I love anecdotes!) I once had a client who was in a relationship with a paranoid partner.Paranoid people, by definition, have very strong emotions.I felt that my simple techniques were not enough to deal with this dangerous situation. And I had an inspiration. She was in fact hostage to her partner’s emotional state.So I suggested that she get in touch with the local police hostage intervention squad. I was sure that the competent ones are really good at de-escalating emotions. Probably more expert than any psychiatrist or psychologist. Needless to say, they refused to help her.I had the same experience trying to contact the Canadian Military hospital near me for help with a trauma case.”Sorry, not our mandate” they responded. The ugliness of bureaucracy. But “that is another conversation for another time” as say the American newspeople when they don’t want to deal with something! lol
Dealing With Emotions-Your Own
The Linehan Approach
These are some of the major strategies that DBT recommends:
1-Stop!
:Do not just react. Stop! Freeze! Do not move a muscle! Do not follow the commands of your emotional state
This is probably the most difficult and the most critical step of all. First you have to be acutely aware of what is going on in your being. And then, you have to exercise self-control. Not an easy matter especially since your whole being is telling you to do otherwise .In Sufism we call that “jihad-a-nafs’( the war with the ego)
:Step back. Take a deep breath. Let go.
: Observe. What is going on inside of you? Thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations( CF the article called “Mindfulness Practice” on the blog-a system developed by Jack Kornfield ,also based on mindfulness like DBT)
: Proceed Mindfully . Ask “wise mind” which actions will make things better or worse.
2-Mindfulness of Current Emotions
: Experience your Emotion as a wave
:Don’t block or suppress the emotion
:Don’t hold on to it
: Be mindful of the accompanying bodily sensations (a key to getting distance from the energy and objectifying it)
: Remember that you are not the emotion
:Practice loving your emotion and radically accept it
3_ Self-soothing:
: With Vision: Look out the window at the nature or the stars or the people
With Hearing: Listen to soothing music or the sounds of nature
With Smell. Use your favourite soap or shampoo or incense
With taste-eat some of your favourite foods or drinks .Men are often fond of “having a beer” .Spiritual people will go back to their beads and prayers.
With Touch: A long bath or shower. Wrap yourself in a blanket .Pet your dog or cat.
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4_ Distract Yourself-With Physical activities
: Take a long walk
: Go to the gym. I had one client who got triggered easily by his wife and her family. He learnt to catch himself quickly and then simply leave home for the gym It saved his marriage. In the olde days the men ran to the tavern where only males were allowed. I had an upstairs neighbour like that. The tavern saved his marriage lol
: Do some compulsive cleaning lol
: Leave the situation(often a very important strategy!)
Refuse to think about it not an easy matter)
Notice that these techniques will only work if you are conscious , humble and wise. Conscious because you have to be acutely aware that it is happening. Humble because you have to accept your own faults and emotional limitations. And wise, because then you can see the difference between what your emotion is saying and what is best for everyone concerned!
- B) Dealing with The Emotion of Others
This part comes from the work of the psychologist Lindsay Gibson. In most cases, when we are confronted by strong emotions in the other, either we are triggered as well and respond in kind. Or we freeze out of the fear and intimidation that is engendered by these emotions. Neither of those reactions are helpful! If we respond in kind, we are adding fuel to the fire and things that happen can be harmful in the short and long-term. Words can be as injurious as physical blows so these are precarious situations. If we freeze, we may be giving the impression to the other that their emotional outburst is justified and thus acceptable. Neither response is helpful.
What Dr. Gibson proposes is the following:( N.B. Although Dr. Gibson has some terrific insights on this matter, I found that it was not obvious to my own clients how to operationalize her writings on the subject. So I have tried to simplify her instructions and make them easy to operationalize. This is my summary)
1-Become Observational (The Buddhists like Jack Kornfield might well call this “Investigate’ or “ to become curious”) Observe both the other and your own reaction to them. Notice everything about them-the tone of voice, the body language, the vibe. And similarly notice your own reactions -your thoughts, your emotions, your bodily sensations.
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2_Stay detached Tell yourself: ”Detach, detach, detach” as in the “Stop” part of the previous text. Don’t react in any way. Just watch. And certainly don’t fall for “the healing fantasy”-that somehow you are going to fix them. Not going to happen. Or even that you need them to be otherwise! Radical acceptance is called for!
3- The “truth dump” Express clearly and calmly what you are seeing and release. Example” ’It looks like every time I criticize your mother, you get angry with me”. And then drop it. You may consider the NVC approach of Non Violent Communication, in four steps.It is summarized in another article on our blog entitled: ”The Fabulous Fours” .Check it out. .They will deny, justify “yes but” you but your observation has been registered.
I learnt this particular matter from the psychoanalysts. They told us “Don’t worry if your original interpretation is refused. ”No doctor, you don’t understand at all! It’s not like that….”).Then watch the effect of your intervention over time. So don’t argue or get into a debate or even repeat your assertion .J ust let it sit there and make its own way forward.
Dr. Gibson has an interesting insight here. She says that the Emotionally Immature person cannot deal with the perseverance of the other party. So you can exercise patience and steadfastness to get to your goal-provided the goal is not personality change!
4) Management:
: Set a time limit(“Ok I’ll listen to your complaints but only for 10 mins. And then we have to move on to something else.”
: change the subject
: leave the situation
: change the communication media-from telephone to text to email(the least immediate of the three). The possibilities are endless, so use your creativity! And to end with a quote from the bard “And he just said- Good Luck” lol
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