“Asperger’s is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and non-verbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviour and interests.” I am not bringing up this issue as a matter of clinical interest.Rather, it is an element of vital interest in our daily lives and can seriously contribute to human suffering,especially in the area of relationships. Now,officially,Asperger’s has been eliminated from our diagnostic lexicon -DSM-5- in favour of”Autistic Spectrum Disorder”(ASD). Unfortunately,changing the nomenclature does not eliminate the reality as many so-called ‘Aspies’ will tell you.And in an age where autism has reached epidemic proportions,we are sure to meet many cases of autism in our daily life.I see them all around me and I don’t mean just in my practice!

As many psychiatrists of a certain age,we were raised on the Freudian model in which there were “hysterics”(usually women) and obsessives(usually men). Vive la Difference,as many would say.It appears,however, that there has been a paradigm shift,at least amongst the psychologically minded.Now we talk about the Asperger’s(usually male) and the Borderlines(usually female).And the relationship between these two can be very problematic,to say the least.A lady I knew,stuck in a relationship with a partner she suspected of having Asperger’s, went onto a website designed for such partnerships.One of the women posting on the site said the following:”If you are currently in a relationship with someone suffering from Asperger’s,get out of there as quickly as possible.None of your needs as a woman will be met”That may sound like an extreme position but there is no doubt that it contains a kernel of truth.

Now,who are these Asperger’s’ people.A note of warning here.Often the professionals ,even the experts,get this one wrong.That is either because they do not have enough information from third parties or because they define the unusual,repetitive behaviours in  too narrow a sense.Remember that many of these people are highly functional and successful.It is a commonly held view in  psychological milieus that both Bill Gates(Of Microsoft fame) and Mark Zuckerberg(of Facebook fame) are Aspergers.I cannot attest to that not having assessed the  myself but this gives you an idea of the subtlety of the task at hand.One of my best friends turned out to be an Asperger’s and it took me thirty years to realize it and then again only after two unsuccessful marriages on his part!

The essential characteristic of the Asperger’s person is that “they don’t get it!”.They are not connected emotionally to others .They have little or no empathy and they cannot listen to input from others Sounds like a lot of people you know,eh?The portrait of this personality type is Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory.I tell all my patients that I suspect to be in a relationship with this an Asperger’s type to watch that  T.V. show and see if they can relate to him.It doesn’t take most of them very long to see the relevance.And it can be devastating in a relationship just as we see Amy suffering with Sheldon..There’s no-one home! For females,this seems to be particularly difficult.They want to be recognized. They want to communicate.Males are,generally,simpler creatures.If they get their physical needs met,they are satisfied.This may well be changing but not as quickly as some people think.

So what do we do if we suspect we are in a relationship with an Aspie.Big problem! The fact is that we,in psychiatry ,don’t have any robust treatments to offer.Even our treatments for the more intense Autistic syndromes are only partially effective and often quite superficially at that. After all ,we are dealing,essentially, with a neurological condition and there are no medications or other  interventions that can affect the syndrome at its source.So for now we are at an impasse.We can do social relations training but again that teaches proper behaviour at its best but doesn’t address the heart of the matter.and often it is “the heart” that is missing.The best advice I can give for now is:identify it,accept it and adapt.Or run away ASAP lol